Happy Birthday, Lily Mae!

WOW.... haha, quite a bit has happened since my last post.

I was discharged from that hospital the day after I wrote it - June 18th. I got to go home and continued having contractions every day. Doc F said only to let him know when something was different, and nothing was for about a week. I was on "bedrest" but I still took care of some things around the house and I went to out to dinner one time, but I took it easy (I promise). Clark took some maternity pictures of me last Saturday which I was really happy about. That belly was something I really wanted to capture, and I'll post those pictures once I get around to editing them. Which could be a while because.......

Lily Mae was born!!!

I woke up to a teeny gush at 10:20 on Sunday morning (6/27/2010) but wasn't totally sold that my water had broken. After about 5 minutes the teeny gush turned into a huge, continuous one and I called the doctor on call (who was one of the docs in Doc F's practice, so I had met with her before - cool!). We got dressed quickly but not too rushed, followed our "leaving in a hurry" plan, grabbed our pre-packed hospital bags (win!), and started our half hour drive to the hospital. On the way there I called my parents and leisurely chatted for a few minutes. My contractions had started picking up and were getting very intense, but I could still focus and get through them. That is until about 5 minutes from the hospital when I started feeling like I had to push. OH.MY.GOODNESS. Let me tell ya: my labor didn't mess around. It got serious and it got serious fast.

We somehow managed to get to the hospital without giving birth in the car. I got wheeled into the delivery room not able to focus on anything but the pain. UGH. I got checked and was at 8 cm. Then 5 minutes later, 9 cm. Then 5 minutes later - no joke - 10 cm and time to push. It was incredibly intense: blood spewing everywhere, me throwing up, Clark *almost* passing out on the floor, doctors and nurses running in from every direction yelling various things at me because I had NO idea what to do or what was going on (other than the fact that I was going to have to somehow squeeze a baby out of me). The blood was due to my hurriedly-placed IV ripping out of my arm, and you know, normal birthing stuff. I give Clark a lot of credit though - he only got a bit faint because there was SO much blood (read: spraying all the way up to the top of the bed where he was standing). So anyway, I was pushing away and trying my best, but her heart rate plummeted suddenly and wouldn't come back up. I heard an "Oh shoot! We have to get this baby out NOW!" from the doctor, and then next thing I know a vacuum is being shoved up my lady bits and the doctor's pulling as hard as she can. It worked but not well enough so I had to have a big-time episiotomy (later found out it was 3rd degree if that means anything to you) so she could use forceps. I'm not gonna lie, it was pretty horrible, and I screamed as she did some of that stuff. In case you were wondering, yup! I did it with no medication (not like there would have even been time if I had wanted some). I felt e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g, cutting and tugging and all. But I was able to push her out with the doctor's help and she was whisked away by the nurses. (The trouble had been 1. that her shoulder was pinching the umbilical cord and had cut off her blood supply and 2. she was face-up so I couldn't get her out fast enough.) But then she cried and I realized she was alive and ok!! Very, VERY happy moment for me. They brought her over to me and I got to hold her for about 20 seconds before they took her to the level II nursery. That 20 seconds was better than none at all, so I'm happy. If you're a stats kind of person, she weighed 5 pounds, 1 ounce and was 18 inches long, born at 12:00 noon on the dot. (We got to the hospital at 11:20! She was born before I could even be admitted!)

Afterward, I got my IV replaced so I could get some fluids, the doctor stitched me up (I finally got some local anesthetic down there), and nibbled on some lunch. I got word that Lily Mae was doing very well but that I couldn't go see her just yet. It was about 5 hours until I got to walk down to the nursery and meet her. But guys.......she is the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my whole life. I got to hold her and kiss her and love her, and she is so, SO cute and couldn't be more perfect. She was breathing on her own and only needed an IV to keep her fluids up. She looks just like me (which is a little weird for me - I wasn't expecting that) but with Clark's very cute nose. Today makes her 5 days old and at this point we're an awesome breastfeeding team and she's gaining weight, she's got her IV out, and she's maintaining her own body temperature. She's only the slightest bit jaundiced so she's under phototherapy. Her bili ruben levels only have to go down one more point before she won't need anything at all! I'm thinking/hoping that she'll be fine with that and taken off the lights tomorrow. Whenever she's taken off, she'll have to be monitored for a day, and then she can come home!! Oh gosh I'm so excited! I think she'll be home on Sunday. :D

As for me, I was discharged on Wednesday but the nursery and postpartum nurses helped get me a hospitality room here at the hospital. It's just a courtesy room (free) and I get no care. I have to provide my own food and medicines and all that stuff, but it's right across from the nursery so I can be here for every feeding which I love (she's not being bottle-fed at all). I'm going to be staying here until Lily Mae gets to come home and that's super cool. But of course I've pretty much had my fill of staying in hospitals, so I'll be so thankful when we can all go home (and stay home).

I'll leave you with some pictures of the best, sweetest, and prettiest girl in the whole world! :)

Just a couple of minutes old!

The first time I got to meet her. (Probably should have gotten a picture of us together - still haven't done that. Oops!)

Oh gosh, this daddy-daughter team sure tugs at my heart strings :)

Come on, you can't tell me you don't want to just snuggle with her and never let go...

I Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty!! *Update*

Why do I feel like a million bucks while I'm still in the hospital??

Because my sweet, generous friend (**see update at the bottom of this post!**) Genelle bought me an amazing gift to encourage me and make me feel better! No more ugly gray gown with stars and moons - now I have a designer delivery gown and it is SO cute! I feel like a young, healthy pregnant girl instead of generic patient #123 in room #456. Of course I don't want to sound shallow and vain, but it really does make a difference to have a cute outfit when you've been wearing the same old gross potato sack for three weeks. I was feeling as ugly as the gown itself, and it was just one more thing to be discouraged about. Genelle (**and friends**) were so perceptive to pick up on how I must have been feeling - what a gift of love and kindness God put in their hearts! Opening that package made me feel SO special and loved and has really brightened the past couple of days for me. I'm getting compliments from nurses and doctors and it feels awesome! Thank you a million times, Genelle (**and friends**)! You've made me feel incredible and cute!!

**UPDATE** I found out very quickly after writing this that this gown was a gift from several of my good friends from Maryland! Tons of thanks and gratitude also goes out to Amy, Mary, and Jen!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! You ladies rock my world!!

Milestones Are Fun to Reach

Today I'm 34 weeks pregnant! Who knew that after all this, our baby would still be in my belly? But, she is, and that's great! Sorry that I'm wearing the same exact thing as the last picture but it's all I have in terms of real clothes (and the shorts are Clark's). Still haven't really grown. Oh well, Lily Mae really is growing and that's what's important - they think that fluid levels are fluctuating which would explain why she is growing but my belly isn't.

So, I'm not sure if I want to go into all the details of what happened on Sunday night, because the result is a big fat "no change." Let's just see if I can say it fast, just for fun. Contractions were every 10 minutes all day on Sunday. At about 10:00 pm, they picked up to 5 minutes apart and started being painful for the first time ever. I got examined but was still at 5 cm. At midnight they set me up on the monitors for a couple hours, then checked me again but there was no change. However, my contractions had picked up to every 2 minutes and had become more painful. They moved me back to labor & delivery (room #7), set me up on IV fluids (yeah, I had to get my IV back - but I had one day without it!), and let me labor for a few hours. I got checked again - no change - labored for a few more hours and got checked a fourth time - still no change. SOOOO, they decided that even though I was having real labor contractions, they were not dilating me so they sent me back to antepartum again (room #8). After being up all night, we finally got to sleep at about 7:00 am Monday morning. Sometime after I woke up, the contractions fizzled out and since then they've been back to the way they were before - uncomfortable but not painful, and only a couple contractions an hour. And there you have it!

But there are two great things about today! First, reaching 34 weeks is kind of a big deal. The risks of all kinds of things go WAY down now! Lily Mae will probably be able to breathe on her own and she won't have as much trouble feeding - she may even to start breastfeeding right away if she's coordinated enough. We had passed many of the neurological concerns when we hit 32 weeks. The two main [small] risks left are her self-regulating her body temperature (since she's still so small and skinny) and jaundice. She may need to spend some time in the incubator to keep her warm, and UV lights can easily take care of the latter issue.

And the second great thing is that if I don't dilate any more by Friday, the doctor said I can go home!! Yup, even if I'm still contracting the way that I have been, the team is comfortable that Lily Mae will be big enough to not need serious intervention when she's delivered. One doctor I spoke with recommended that if I go into labor before 36 weeks that I come back to this hospital since they are better equipped for little babies. But if I make it beyond that point then I can go back to my original hospital. My main case doctor thinks that there's a 50/50 chance that I'll make it to Friday, but we've got 3 more days to find out how this is going to play out!

Is That a Light I See?

Hi friends! It's been another four days since I updated, so here ya go!

Still in the hospital. Still pregnant.

On Tuesday evening, some time after I put up my last post, my contractions revved up again. Starting at around 6:30, they were consistent at about every 5 minutes and while they were strong enough to take my breath away, they weren't too intense and as always, not painful. I was even able to have some really great visitors during that time and didn't feel uncomfortable that they were seeing me in slight discomfort. The contractions continued until I went to bed and through the night - they even woke me up all night almost every hour. After the track record I've had here in the hospital, the nurses weren't concerned but said that if the contractions picked up in frequency or intensity to let them know. Well they didn't, and by about 11:00 the next morning they had fizzled out. Again. I feel like I'm turning into to boy who cried "wolf" and now no one takes me seriously. (Not that they don't take my symptoms seriously...but they're not so quick to ramp up the drama, hook me up to monitors, gather the doctors, get me examined, and send me over to labor & delivery anymore...I much prefer the "wait & see" approach as well.)

Wednesday, Thursday, Friday: all uneventful. I had 5-10 contractions inconsistently spaced each day, so really nothing happened at all. Well, actually, that's not totally true. On Wednesday, I had orders to get hooked up on the monitor for about 45 minutes just as a routine thing. About an hour after it was over, a doctor came in with an ultrasound machine; apparently, during my time on the monitor, the baby's heart rate dropped a few times and caused some concern. She wanted to make sure that the umbilical cord wasn't being compressed, and fortunately everything was fine. During the entire ultrasound, though, Lily Mae didn't move at all. After the doctor saw that her heart was fine, she spent 20 minutes essentially punching me in the belly with the probe to stimulate Lily Mae to move, and she never really did - it was pretty unnerving to watch. However, the doc did catch her practice her breathing exercises and was content that she was just sleeping and that it was nothing to worry about.

On Thursday, a different doctor came in to do another ultrasound, but this time it was just for fun and to do a growth scan to see how she's doing. She was moving all around during the scan which really put my mind at ease. Everything looked normal and great, and she's about 4 lbs. 4 oz. right now. I feel very good that she's crossed the 4 lb. mark. For her gestational age, she's in the 35th percentile for growth which isn't awesome, but it's not bad either. I was reassured that she's doing great, and that if she were born now she'd have great success and likely have no long-term complications. Awesome!

Yesterday was day 15 here on hospital bedrest and marked the start of my third week. Here's the plan as of this morning: if I dilate anymore whatsoever or if my water breaks, they will allow labor to progress and will induce me if it slows again. If by 34/35 weeks I still haven't delivered her - are you sitting down?? - they may send me HOME!!!! There's no specific date they have in mind and they're not making any promises, but it looks like that option is back on the table. With that said, even as well and stable as I've been doing the past few days, there is not a single doctor or nurse here who believes I'm going to make it that long being as dilated as I am. Here are some snippets from a conversation I just had with the high-risk OB and the resident doctor:

"The possibility of you taking home a baby with a permanent disability at this point is almost 0%."
"The main concerns for babies born between 32 and 34 weeks are respiratory weakness and secondary infections from being on a ventilator, but our team is very well equipped to deal with both of those."
"Baby girls consistently do better than boys when born prematurely, so you're in really good shape."

So really, who can complain about that? They're ready for this baby. Clark and I have come to terms with the situation and are ready to meet her. To be honest, as much as I want to go home asap, I would rather deliver her here in this hospital to be taken care of by this team of doctors rather than going home maybe at this time next week and delivering preterm at the other hospital where the neonatalology unit is not as advanced. My original doctor was fantastic (and even called to check on me yesterday), but my reasons for planning to deliver at the other hospital were that it was newer and closer to home. I didn't anticipate having to address a preterm delivery of my baby. Now, I'd really rather deliver here before they decide to send me home, because they're just better at this sort of thing. I want Lily Mae to have the best care possible, and that's here in this hospital. Make sense? So I guess I'm just afraid to say it so clearly because I'm scared of what you all will think of me but..... I want to go ahead and go into labor now before they decide to send me home. I want her to be born here. Even if it means that she might need some help breathing at first and she might not be strong enough to directly breastfeed right away, I have confidence that she'd be fine pretty quickly. I have a peace about the whole thing and I'm ready for her. I won't tell you what to pray for, but I do hope you guys understand my position.

In light of all of this, I want to remind you all of the passage of scripture from which little Lily Mae got her name. Who knew it would be so appropriate?

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. ~Matthew 6:27-34

ps - Today was supposed to be my baby shower. :-(
pss - The docs agreed that since it's quick and easy to put an IV in my arm, that I don't need to have one in anymore. I get to have the port taken out today, and they will only place a new one as needed. :-)

Let's Have Something Happy!

I know I already posted today, but I'm feeling a little bit guilty for subjecting you friendly readers to such a huge amount of bummer posts lately. So I'm trying to make it up to you!

Today I'm 33 weeks pregnant! I snuck out of my hospital gown for a few minutes to put on normal human clothes, and I set up my Nikon so that Clark could take a decent picture instead of with our phones. I know I usually do bi-weekly pictures only on even numbered weeks, but this could be the last week that I'm pregnant so I wanted to get my belly captured quick. The only sad part is that my belly hasn't grown at all (and might have even shrunk a little) since my 30-week picture. Let's chalk that up to stress and hospital food...I've probably lost a little weight. But it's ok, little miss Lily Mae is still growing just fine! Now let's wait and see if we get a 34-week picture next Tuesday! :D

A Rare Post on Feelings - Let's Get Real!

Ok friends, I'm sorry about my bummer of a post yesterday. My spirits were pretty low after what happened on Sunday. I'm doing better today and am not such a grumpipotimus thanks to lots of sweet friends who came to visit me last night. I've still got some thoughts though, and I don't know why but I feel like sharing. You know it's not normal for me to get all deep about feeeeelings and stuff, but there's a time and place for everything. I'm stuck in a hospital bed by myself, so the time is right, and my personal blog is definitely a good place for this sort of thing.

If you're going to read this, I do ask one thing: read it not with a whiney tone. I'm not complaining, just sharing feelings.

The only thing I'm going to be allowed to wear for the remainder of my pregnancy is a hospital gown with ugly stars and moons on it. I think the pregnant figure is cute, and I like maternity clothes. I was actually excited about being able to wear fun preggo outfits even when I'd get to be as big as a house, but now I can't. I thought I'd try to cheer myself up yesterday with a little retail therapy and buying some nursing shirts from Old Navy's website. Not only were their nursing tops not cute, but they had some very cute new maternity styles. Since there was no point whatsoever to buy new pregnancy clothes, it ended up being more of a bummer instead of something to cheer me up.

I really wanted to get belly pictures done. I'm a photographer, and I really enjoy documenting experiences and stages of life. While of course I'm a bit self-conscious and not a huge fan of pictures of myself, my first pregnancy was an opportunity that I wanted to capture to have fond memories of down the road. I was debating whether to pay someone else to do them, but I decided that even though it'd be way more difficult, I was going to do them myself. Good thing I didn't schedule anything and pay a deposit to another photographer, I guess....

My baby shower that had been planned for this upcoming Saturday was officially canceled yesterday. It will be rescheduled for about two weeks after Lily Mae is born. I know these things happen, but really, I don't think anyone is really prepared to have their first and only baby shower for their first pregnancy after the baby is born. It's just one of those exciting events during the anticipation of the baby. Granted, it's not horrible to have a baby shower afterwards, after all, when I threw a shower for my friend Kelly I planned for it to be after she had her baby on purpose. But then again, it was her third baby and the party was a surprise. Anyway, whatever....I'm sad about it. It's not about the gifts, it's about being able to celebrate the coming of my baby girl with my friends before she arrives. Oh well.

I don't get to really experience the rest of my pregnancy. I don't get to find out how big I'd get by the end or what I'd look like. And as silly as it sounds, I'm a little sad that I don't get to feel what it's like - aches and pains and everything else that comes along with later pregnancy. I feel.....jipped. Like...."Hey, wait! I want to have my whole pregnancy! Don't cut off my fun!"

I serve in several different areas in a church that I absolutely love. I have various responsibilities there and I take them all very seriously. When Clark and I started discussing having children, we agreed fully that in doing so we would remain committed to serving God's kingdom, his church, and his people. Our lives weren't going to stop even though adjustments would need to be made. We weren't planning on taking more than a month off from our responsibilities with the children, the youth, the band, and the other teams we're on. That's still not too far from what will happen...a month after Lily Mae's born, at least one of us will start picking up our commitments again. But now we're not only having to take time off afterward, but also before she comes. Things happen which result in a shift in priorities, so writing all this seems silly and I'm sorry. But I just love serving in the areas that I do, and I feel a strong conviction to stay involved as best I can. It causes me a lot of anxiety to not be able to follow through with my commitments - I feel a bit like a failure and a good-for-nothing just laying here like a lump in the hospital.

Something that surprised me: I won't ever be able to play my guitar while I'm pregnant with Lily Mae again. I don't love playing guitar, but I do it quite often out of need - I lead children's worship at church, and since I do it alone, I have no choice but to both play and sing. I'm not great at playing, but I get the job done and the kids seem to enjoy it enough. My belly has been growing and the past few times that I was able to lead, it kind of made it awkward to play - I'd have to position my guitar on the side of my belly and jam out rock-star style. I wasn't sure how much longer I'd physically be able to do it, but I wasn't prepared to stop just yet. Lily Mae could hear me play, and something about that was very special to me. My guitar pressed up against her ear....I was playing totally for God, but there was something sweet about her being so close and hearing my music. But now I won't be able to play again while she's in my belly, and that makes me WAY more upset than I ever thought it would. **I know if I don't say something, one of you wonderful local friends will offer to bring my guitar to me here in the hospital, to which I say thank you, I appreciate the thought, but I wouldn't feel comfortable playing or singing here in the room.**

I won't be able to hold my baby or even see her when she's born. She will be taken by the NICU team immediately and will get evaluated and setup with what she needs. She'll get finished up right about the time the birthing process is over (you moms know what that means) and they will try to wheel her incubator into my room so I can see her for a minute or two before she's taken away. Clark may be able to follow her depending on how well she's doing, but I will obviously need to stay in bed at least for a while. This is one reason I'm determined to not have an epidural - it will be much sooner that I'll be able to get up and go to where she'll be. Granted, the longer I stay pregnant here the better this situation could be, but for now that's the plan. And based on that, I don't think I need to go into much detail about my feelings on the subject.

But just for good measure, let me mention some positive things:
- The nurses and doctors are really great, they're all friendly, and they've been taking great care of me.
- The food is really good - I have an elaborate menu from which I can order whatever I want at any time during the day.
- I have my laptop and free wireless, so I can stay a little bit connected during my stay here.
- In this antepartum department, I'm allowed 30 minutes total of "up" time every day which is to include trips to the bathroom and showers. This is an awesome thing, because I'm not afforded those luxuries whenever I'm in the labor & delivery department.
- Antepartum rooms have very comfortable beds and I'm getting good sleep.
- I have a window through which, from a certain angle, I can see trees and the sky. And I've been told that it's sweltering hot outside, so I'm probably more comfortable being inside.
- I've had lots of amazing visitors to keep me company and cheer me up. I am so grateful for the people in my life...God has truly blessed us with genuine friends who give very real encouragement.
- I am in a hospital with one of the best neonatal units in the entire country. Whenever Lily Mae is born, there is nowhere safer she could possibly be.
- I have an amazing husband who loves me, supports me, leads me effectively, and sacrifices greatly for his family. He has been a pillar of strength during this trial and there's no person I'd rather have by my side. Clark is such a huge blessing to me.
- Even though I've written about all these sad feelings, all things considered, I'm a pretty happy gal who's excited to meet her little one.
- God is always good, and he's got Lily Mae's life in his hands. I have total joy in that, and though I'm sad about some things, this is the way God wants to bring our baby into the world. It's hard to be discontent with a perfect plan :)

Still Waiting for Our Girly

Last time I updated you guys was last Thursday, so I suppose it's time again to let you know what's going on. The short of it: not much.

I'm still in the hospital in the antepartum department. I haven't changed rooms at all. Friday and Saturday were completely uneventful. Maybe a couple mild contractions here and there, but nothing I couldn't talk through, so therefore no big deal. Yesterday, the doctor wanted to hook me up to the monitor and maybe check my progress with an exam since it had been a little while since the last one. Before I got all strapped up to the monitors, though, I started getting stronger, more regular contractions again. I ended up having pretty intense contractions every 5-7 minutes all.day.long from about 10 am until I went to bed around midnight....that's 14+ hours, guys. I was checked twice yesterday and....you guessed it: no cervical change. Still 5 cm, 100% effaced.

Today I've had only a few contractions and they're hardly noticeable. I'm totally exhausted from yesterday - let me just tell you if you don't know - having contractions feels like an intense workout, and after all that I'm physically worn out and a little sore. Emotionally I'm even more exhausted and frustrated. I've felt like crap yesterday and so far today essentially for nothing. And because of yesterday's contraction drama, it's totally set in stone that I'm not allowed to leave. I've been in the hospital for 11 days, and who knows how much longer it will go on like this.....it could be weeks. Everyone keeps telling me that one of these days very soon the contractions will start actually doing something, but after all this, the light at the end of the tunnel seems a little dim and far away.

Clark has been going to work during the days, but is always on call if anything should happen. My parents had to leave on Saturday, because even though my life as I knew it had to end (for now), that's not the case for everyone else. I apologize for my downer of a tone in this post, I'm just a bit down after yesterday. I do know that God is good and perfect, and he's got a reason for me being in the hospital like this. He knows exactly when Lily Mae will be born, and I trust in his timing. It's a little hard for me to understand how I can be glorifying his name and building up his kingdom while I'm in this situation, but at least I know that I don't have to have the answers...I just have to persevere and keep my faith strong. I'm lonely here in this room by myself, but I know I'm not alone. The sacrifice God made for his children is far greater than the sacrifice I'm being called to make for Lily Mae. He sent his only son to die for us so that we could join his family and be in relationships with him; all I'm being asked to do is stay in a comfy hospital bed and be waited on hand and foot by professionals until my little girl joins our family. I just hope I can keep that at the forefront of my mind when I start feeling selfish, like now. Keep on praying, friends, our little family needs your faithful petitions! Love you guys! :)