This time tomorrow, the ultrasound will be over and I'll be sitting in the midwife's office gabbing it up about all the exciting things we saw in the sonogram.
Let me explain something to you guys....
At the risk of sounding like a bad mother, I'll admit something to you. I was not excited about Lily Mae's 20-week ultrasound. I remember vividly not wanting to go through it, just sitting in the waiting room at the doctor's office wanting to fast forward an hour and have it all be over already. Even as it was happening, I was trembling with anxiety, and it wasn't until about half an hour after we left the office that I was able to settle down and realize that everything was actually ok.
One of my dearest friends was pregnant with her first child in 2008. Hers was one of the rare instances where things were not as they should have been in the ultrasound. That ultrasound revealed that her baby boy had a terminal disease and he would not be able to survive outside of the womb. She gave birth to Jaxton in April 2009 and had a sweet five hours with him in her arms before he passed away. The strength that God gave her and her husband was amazing, and in their great friendship and fellowship, they stood by our sides when I went into labor at 31 weeks and was faced with the possibility of losing Lily Mae or her having serious complications. We were so grateful to have their presence and encouragement during that trial.
But let's back up....Lily Mae's ultrasound was on March 10, 2009, just less than a month shy of Jaxton's birthday. On that day, all that was going through my mind was that my friends' lives completely changed all starting with their ultrasound - the same one I was about to get. Looking back through my old posts, I found that I wrote an entry the day before my ultrasound last time, too. I touched on my anxiety a little bit, but not much on the reason. (And just for fun, here's the post with the results). I was so nervous that the tech was going to drop a bomb on us that day, and all I wanted was to get the heck out.
All that to say is that this time feels much different, and I'm relieved to not feel so much stress. Going into my first ultrasound with Lily Mae, I had not felt her move yet and had no concrete evidence that she was even alive. This time, I know that Puggle has had a healthy heartbeat since the very beginning and I'm getting kicked and punched in there almost constantly. Of course I'm in the dark as far as Puggle's development goes, but at least I know that little bugger is squirming around.
There's still that part of me that knows that this scan, this "test," is more significant than finding out the sex and getting cute pictures of my baby in utero. I can't just forget what happened with my friends, and I wouldn't want to. God was by their side from the beginning, and if something is wrong with Puggle, I have faith that He's already with me. But that doesn't change the fact that I already love my unborn baby and that I want him or her to be perfectly healthy. I'm just nervous about that small sliver of a chance that things aren't as I would want them to be. We'll find out in less than 24 hours, and I'll make sure to blog before I go to bed tomorrow night.
My appointment's at 2:00 at a doctor's office (my midwife doesn't have an ultrasound machine) and then we will go over to the midwife's office at 2:30 for my check-up. Check twitter and facebook tomorrow for the short and sweet version of the results. And by golly, go vote on my FB wall on what you think I'm having!! Seeing the results gives me something else to think about, and I could really use that today!
And please keep us in your prayers tonight and tomorrow afternoon!